pillars in the menagerie of attributes

a quiet loneliness 

is settling in


once the eye of a storm passes,

and the remainder gushes though

in my experience

with literal storms as well as emotional ones,

those hidden things begin to emerge

as with the silence that precedes a hurricane

when animals and insects alike seek shelter

and remain in the protected places they’ve secured to weather the storm

our emotions, likewise, often scatter to the far off reaches of our minds and bodies

observing from afar as the torrents (of actions) rain down and the painful winds (of words) rip through a once peaceful place

usually, when the wrath has ended its violent sweep

our emotions, like the animals peeking out in the Afterward of Mother Nature’s gale, begin testing the air, assessing destruction, cleaning up remnants, gathering supplies anew

activity renews

and life reassembles itself

if not in the exact manner it had before the storm,

certainly in a way that is recognizable

downed power lines are repaired or replaced

yards are cleaned up

homes are rebuilt

hearts and psyches are too

and the finishing touches soon follow

assuring that what we do matters

and that picking up the pieces

is the right thing to do

many, many times this has been my experience.

but not now

could it be that my emotions are so far scattered, so deeply buried, that the numbness that contained them through the most heinous parts of the storm, have locked them away beyond recovery?

for where is the commotion of the clean-up?

the tidings of a new and happy day?

the activity that


yes silence comes too, but after the activity, and the silence then is one of contented relaxation


the silence that sits with me now

is not one of peace

is not one of contentment

it is not even a comfortable acceptance of what was, 

and what is


it is a deep discomfort

a feeling similar to a bite of food that is lodged in one’s throat

or an ill-at-ease heartburn 

or stirring in the belly that follows a too-acidic meal

you know will soon expel itself 

through one exit

…or another

how long will this last?

how soon can I resume course?

when will I be able to digest the experience 

and transmute it into a healing balm?

for that is what I do

that is how I know to cope

that is what allows me to continue to exist

such is the alchemy I’ve perfected

the transmutation of the awful incidents of life

into beautiful lessons learned

once that conversion takes place

I am at peace

I am wiser

I am gentler

I am stronger

I am able to fully access my joy

where is my Joy?

where is my Benevolent Heart?

how is it that both are eluding me?

have they abdicated their posts? 

if so

I shall remain incoherent

for they were the pillars in the menagerie of my attributes.

~ Twinkle


just musing…

This was originally posted on my blog September 8, 2014 during a time of deep transition.

Dear friend Suu commented this:

  1. Susan

    September 15, 2014


    Perhaps it is the dark goddess who is capturing your attention now. Ereshkigal. Kali-ma. Throma Nangmo. Durga. Hecate. Lillith. Morgaine. Tiamut.

  2. mariemanning

    September 18, 2014


    Thank you! And, yes. Hekate has been predominant throughout my life. And, now that you draw my attention to it – Throma Nagmo – yes is waving her bells and drums at me now. I can see the workings of Tiamut, and the others too. Time to read up, write, and ritual with these.

photo credit – dying flower: