Thought for contemplation :
“Real intimacy is a sacred experience.” — John O’Donohue
Theme: Let’s Talk About Sex: Cherishing the One we Love. Let us shed some of our inhibitions on the subject of our human sexuality and shed some light on how to embrace the intimacy we innately desire.
Opening
“To My Dear and Loving Husband“
By Anne Bradstreet
“If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold. My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee give recompense.
Thy love is such I can no way repay;
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let’s so persevere, That when we live no more, we may live ever.”
Anne Bradstreet was the first woman to be recognized as an accomplished New World Poet.
Yes, the first female American Poet.
Her poems lend a lens to clarifying misunderstood assumptions on how those living back then viewed the world, and our place in it.
Her Puritan belief that marriage, and the intimacy shared with her husband therein, is a gift from God is ever clear in her poem. A gift she was eager and grateful for. And most likely a feeling that was reciprocated by her husband.
And, while many associate “Puritan” with “prudish” when it comes to one’s sexuality,
and certainly they were advocates of sexual intercourse remaining within the confines of the marriage union, it is a myth that Puritans sought to repress sexual expression.
Instead, Puritans were encouraged to express their longings and desires to their partners. Anne certainly did. In another poem written to her Husband while he was away working, she wrote:
“My Sun is gone so far in’s Zodiack,
Whom whilst I ’joy’d, nor storms, nor frosts I felt,
His warmth such frigid colds did cause to melt.
My chilled limbs now nummed lye forlorn;
Return, return sweet Sol from Capricorn;”
Let us shed some of our inhibitions on the subject of our human sexuality and shed some light on how to embrace the intimacy we innately desire.
Reading
The Way You Love Me, abridged
By Faith Hill, Keith Charles Follese / Michael William Dulaney
If I could grant you one wish
I’d wish you could see the way you kiss Oooh, I love watching you
Baby; When you’re driving me, crazy.
Oooh, I love the way you Love the way you love me.
There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Oooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see, the way you love me.
It’s not right, it’s not fair
What you’re missing over there Someday I’ll find a way to show you Just how lucky I am, to know you.
You’re the million reasons why There’s love reflecting in my eyes.
Oooh, I love the way you Love the way you love me.
There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Oooh, to feel the way I,
feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see, the way you love me.
Message Excerpts:
The title of today’s service could also be called: “Sacred Sexuality” Or “The Ethics of Intimate Love” Or, simply: “Let’s talk about Sex!”
This talk is Not a “how-to” but, rather, a “why-to” 😉
Given that we are close to Valentine’s Day, entitling it “Cherishing the One we Love”
is equally suitable as we explore why cultivating our intimate lives is important.
Demographic research has determined that more than 99% of humans have inherent, if often suppressed, sexual desires. Notwithstanding the exceptions to the rule (the .ooo1% who authentically claim to not experience sexual desire), humans are inherently sexual creatures. And, not just for the sake of reproduction. Practically speaking, we know that sex is linked to vitality, improved sleep, boosting immunity, lowering blood pressure, decreasing stress levels and even providing pain relief.
According to Dr. Mercola in his online aggregated website he says, “Regular sex cannot be underestimated as a factor for reducing stress, bolstering self-esteem and fostering feelings of intimacy and bonding between partners.” (Mercola)
In 2013 Women’s Online Health Magazine reported that according to The Journal of Gerontology, 732 married couples between the ages of 57 – 85 were interviewed by researchers and the findings were conclusive that a secret to a long and happy marriage is sex. More specifically, engaging regularly in intimacy with their partners, thus enhancing the marital relationship, increasing a sense of value and trust in each other.
Nick Drydakis, an economics lecturer at Angila Ruskin University in Cambridge, England, was interviewed by CBSNews.com in 2013 about a study he conducted that concluded that people who were happier, healthier and wealthier were most likely ones who had active sex lives.
Drydakis says his findings confirm that,
“Sexual activity is a key aspect
of personal health and social welfare
that influences individuals across their life span,” (Drydakis)
Additionally, according to Deborah Barrett, Ph.D. in her 2011 article “The Healing Powers of Sex” in Psychology Today, regarding couples specifically in long-term intimate relationships with trusted partners, research consistently shows that the bevy of chemicals released in the brain during sexual activity, including oxytocin, not only increases emotional connection, it also promotes a sense of calm and well-being that can combat patterns of depression and even promote relief of chronic pain.
Yet, with all the practical, biological, chemical, and psychological benefits of sex,
it is an area of living that is not given enough contemplative attention, certainly not as it relates to our spirituality. Why?
Abrahamic religions have played a key role.
Leaving aside for a moment the female disciples of Christ being all but erased from curated canonical volumes, and female-authored scriptures completely removed and excluded in-kind, and breathing through the patriarchal language and framing presented therein,
including women’s bodily sovereignty expunged upon publication, the remnants of scripture, nevertheless, offer indication that one’s sexuality, and that of one’s partner, being valued and central to a healthy life, as well as encouraged as a pivotal leadership quality.
Titus 1:6 tells men in leadership to be faithful to their wives. We can interpret:
“People” in leadership are encouraged to be faithful to their “partners.”
That such faithfulness is a favorable quality of those is positions of power.
In 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 Paul was asked, “Is it good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman?” Paul said both spouses are to fulfill their marital duties to each other.
Some translations phrase it as a husband should “Render his wife her due.” Other translations say, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Yes, even then, when patriarchy was a budding weed, early Christian adherents to the lessons of Christ, encouraged men to sexually satisfy their wives. And, wives to do likewise.
A human identity that we all cope with is feelings of separateness.
Within ourselves and within our relationships.
We both long for unity and struggle against it in our strivings for self-reliance and individual awakening.
Thus the binary tug-of-war that ego places before us.
For how can we ever truly achieve awakening to unity as long as we are being stalwarts of autonomy?
As spiritual seekers, including among leaders and ministers, many of us claim as one of our guiding principles the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part and we look toward direct experiences of transcending mystery and wonder as primary to our primary sources of faith.
Yet, in the area of sexuality many tentatively, some stridently, withdraw from the idea
that our sexuality is intrinsically, fundamentally and completely connected to our spiritual life.
Even for those who accredit the quantitative energy exchanges engaging in passion grants us,
there remains a dichotomy polarizing the not-so-nuanced relationship between sexuality and spirituality. Meaning that, somehow, we foster distinctions and gradations and partitions on our sexuality as if it were something separate from us.
Thus, separate from our Being instead of part of the whole of it.
How did we become estranged from our sexuality?
In her book, Dreaming the Dark: Magic, Sex and Politics published by Beacon Press in 1998,
Starhawk, who is one of the most respected voices
in Earth-based spirituality, informs us,
“Sex is an exchange of power in the form of energy
that flows between two beings.
But the culture of estrangement distorts all power
into power-over, into domination.
Sexual relations become a field
on which questions of power and status are played out.
The erotic becomes another
arena of domination and submission.
Our own sexuality becomes something alien.” (Starhawk, 137)
Yet, when we reclaim our sexuality as sacred to us, it opens up connections both grounded in
our Earthly human experience as well as entangled unity with the ethereal Universal All that we are.
Physical attraction is what begins most partnered relationships,
it grows into love, and that love is nurtured by regular expressions of intimate physical activity.
Sexual activity.
Some of the very things that can lead to reduced or lack of intimacy in a committed relationship, are the very things that can be healed by increased sexual intimacy in that relationship.
Partners often withdraw from each other due to stress, or outside obligations, leaving them tired or without ability to focus on their partners.
Let’s face it, engaging in meaningful conversations with our spouses and partners can be a stretch at the end of a long work day, or week, or month. When all we really want to do is rest.
Engaging in sexual intimacy on a regular basis can seem not just impractical, by down right daunting. Certainly after the initial infatuation and enamored feelings, fueled with anticipation and eagerness, when our relationships were in their infancies, begins to wear off.
Certainly the feelings of disconnect can become amplified when we find ourselves in disagreements with our mates. Personality clashes and communication issues can lead to one or both partners shutting down any interest in intimacy. Sometimes for long periods of time.
This can create untenable tension in a relationship. Lack of intimacy, can lead to partners feeling rejected, unloved and insecure. Which only increases stress, makes us more tired and ill-equipped to cope with life, let alone communicate effectively.
Our marriages and partnerships benefit immensely when we honor our sexuality, and the sexuality of our spouses. Cherishing the one we love, began with sexual intimacy and is sustained by continued intimate connection. Relationships thrive when they are attended to.
The benefits of attending to our intimate relationship, in union with our partners,
impacts our whole lives. And, it is as spiritual as it is physical.
Bestselling author of the book Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore in his equally compelling book,
The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love tells us that,
“Sex serves the spiritual life
by taking us away from the purely temporal plane for a momentary taste of eternity.” (Moore, 143)
Whether seeking deeper connective roots with our planet Earth as we embrace this human experience as Holy, or desiring to open up pathways of eternity in union with the Divine
from which we come from and are part of, or wanting to create sustaining, loving and trusting relationships with our partners, reclaiming our sacred sexuality is essential to a holistic, balanced life. Our ability to be truly open to intimacy with our partners, begins with embracing our own sexuality.
Rev. Laura Horton-Ludwig addresses the spiritual aspects of our sexuality in a sermon she gave in Fairfax, Virginia in February 2016 entitled, “Sexuality and Spirituality.” During her service she explores the implication that our spiritual essence and well-being is interconnected with our ability to merge with another human being. She says,
“It’s about that energy that moves through the entire universe and breathes through us at every moment. It is called Love and The Mystics tell us that it is so powerful that we cannot handle being fully aware of it all times; it is too overwhelming. And yet, we can receive it, filtered through another person. So we can become vessels of divine love for one another. Not just with our hearts, but with these bodies. And that is why our sexuality is so profoundly connected to our spiritual life.” (She Says) “It helps us feel our longing for connection, for love, for union. And if only for a moment know the reality that connection and love and union is what we are, not just what we long for.” (Horton-Ludwig)
It is not just what we long for.
It is
What
We are!
Amen!
For millennia, humans have been fascinated with the exploration of their sexuality,
and the implications of the energetic exchanges that transpire in addition to physical interactions when humans join in sexual experiences.
From Magical and Tantric sexual practices to Taoist (dow-ist) and Karezza non-orgasmic bonding techniques, investigating towards experiencing the fullness of our sexuality has been of paramount importance to our human experience.
Also, seemingly timeless, has been the movement to place unsound restrictions on our sexuality, annexing an essential aspect of our humanity, and discounting the emotional, therapeutic, and spiritual benefits of our sexuality. This is a predominant mechanism for attempting to control the experience of others.
The age old falsehood turned myth turned theological teaching of some denominations claiming that “original sin” was one of engaging in sexual intercourse is one such harmful dogma from the aforementioned patriarchal culture.
Furthered more by would-be moral applications of doctrines to limit sexual experiences
to the express and singular goal of human reproduction.
Those who’ve read the epic novel The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood or tune in to the show of the same name have seen this portrayal in one of its most dystopian forms.
The misuse or misdirection of amoral and ego analogies is also in some New Age and Metaphysical doctrines which also lead followers to adopt limiting understandings of the importance of wholly incorporating our sexuality into our spirituality.
Suggesting that to attain spiritual enlightenment, we must abstain from, or at minimum not be influenced by, human pleasures.
However, experience, observations and studies have determined that to attain spiritual enlightenment, spiritual sophistication, spiritual maturity, requires the full acceptance of all we are, welcoming and claiming of the human experience.
This unequivocally means the integration of our sexuality into our spirituality.
A glance at the etymology of our language, most specifically the roots used
in their original meanings,
(as found online at EtymOnline.com),
can help us glean insights
to what they can mean for us today.
First to better understand the origins,
and then to reclaim them for our own theologies.
For instance,
when considering our human sexuality, we think naturally of our human desire.
The word “desire” comes from the latin word “desidero”
which means ‘to long for.’
And “desidero” comes from “de+sidus” to create the phrase “de sidere”
which means
“from the stars.”
Embracing the original understandings that our desires are from the stars, connected to the Universal Oneness, can provide us a place of freedom to embrace our natural desires
as part of the divinity they are.
Rather than view our sexuality as a sin, or a vice of the Ego, or something at all separate from us,
we can begin to understand that our sexuality is divine,
it is sacred,
it is innate.
And for us to achieve a fully empowered, fully connected, spiritual life, is to fully experience our sexuality.
Once we do,
once we are whole in our spiritual life,
we can bring this wholeness to our community.
As consenting adults in covenanted relationships: Our partners, are happier, healthier
and feel loved and cherished when we are diligent about dedicating, with priority, intimate time together. As such, the energy flowing outward from us into our relationships and communities reflects this well-being.
We summon the willpower and faith to develop practices in alignment with how we most wish to live our daily lives, inclusive of our sexuality.
We affirm that a key purpose in our human life is to Love and to be loved, and we make the expression of this love a priority in our lives. Honoring our connections with our partners, and to Source, are the foundations from which we can center our lives.
From this place of awareness, knowing we are loved and loving and connected,
we lend ourselves to the forward motion of the Universe. We become fully open to exploring authentic human experiences, including that of our human sexuality in full understanding of the importance of deep intimacy and frequent physical and spiritual sexual activity
as intrinsic to our nature, and of utmost significance to our Being and our well-being. All this emboldens us to step into our roles as leaders and stewards of transformation and healing.
Uninhibited by limitations that disassociate or negate any aspect of our divinity,
the energetic fullness we bring forwardinto our community is multiplied as a result of our spiritual sophistication in reclaiming and embodying our sacred sexuality.
It enables loving relationships with our partners where we each are and feel cherished.
Ultimately we discern and discover that place that exists in our hearts where intimacy has no limit and love has no barrier.
And it is from within this place that we Live Life as a Prayer. May it be so.
Pastoral benediction/Closing Words
May we shed harmful ideas about our sexuality. May we remember that love and union
are what we are.
May we embrace this gift from the stars as we merge our physical bodies
and express our own divinity,
embody the Holy,
cherish our partners,
and experience unity with all that is.
Amen and Blessed Be.
Suggested Children’s story:
C is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison
Illustrations by Faye Orlove