Sermon:
Mothers’ Day: the Mundane, the Messy and the Miracles
by Rev. “Twinkle” Marie Manning
As with most holidays,
secular or spiritual,
the modern-day incarnation
– and inclination –
results in its facets of consumerism.
Mother’s Day is no exception,
and, for example,
during non-pandemic periods,
is well known to be
the busiest day for restaurants.
Followed by Valentine’s Day
and Father’s Day in third place.
(Sorry Dads)
While we think of Mother’s Day
in terms of the United States,
beginning as a call to peace
by Julie Ward Howe
and transforming over the decades
through the efforts of many women
to a day carved into our national calendar,
the Origins of this day dedicated to Mothers,
as all holidays tend to,
has its roots in ancient times.
The Spiritual Origins
of honoring Femininity
and particularly
the creative aspects of Motherhood
can be traced back in many directions.
Esoteric, Pagan and Christian traditions,
and traditions antecedent them,
had established practices and rites
in tribute to the fertility of women.
In the 17th Century
for our Anglo-European ancestors
it was decreed as “Mothering Day”
- in honor of the Virgin Mary,
yes,
yet also with particular compassion
towards the working class mothers of the day.
Prior to that,
Ancient Asian, Egyptian, Greek
and Roman cultures
had joyous and lengthy festivals
to celebrate the Great Mother,
the Mother of the Gods.
Virtually every Continent’s first peoples
have assigned priority,
even veneration,
to aspects of Mother Goddesses,
and to Women as vessels of reproduction
as emulations of the Creatrix,
Mother Earth herself,
and as such
sacred and powerful
in their own right.
The symbolism of which
trickling down
and carried forth
through generations.
Scholars have long drawn similarities
between the Mother and Son imagery
of Mother Mary holding baby Jesus,
to that of the Egyptian Goddess Isis
and her son Horus
— in which Isis cradles and nurses her son.
Mother as Primordial Nurturer.
Celebrated as such
throughout recorded time.
For her benevolence
and perfection.
Hmmm…..
The sermon I wish I could give
paints motherhood and mothering
and being mothered
with the self same fairy tale wands
that, for better AND for worse,
from as far back
to the storytellers of antiquity,
to modern day filmmakers and television producers,
who use their magicks
to portray mothers and being mothered
as idyllic, laudable, loving and lovable,
always resilient, and reasonable,
capable and strong,
affectionate, compassionate, playful, intelligent
and available
{{Mentally, emotionally and physically}}
Hollywood through the years
has provided us with
ample champion examples
of such high achieving mothers:
June Cleaver
Marion Cunningham
Louise Jefferson
Claire Huxtable
Vivian Banks
Their families were loved by them,
and they by their families.
Their homes were always camera-ready,
as was their hair, and make-up, and so on.
They were supporting
and had support systems.
As did the Single Moms of TV Land:
Shirley Partridge
and
Murphy Brown
with their busy schedules,
juggled both motherhood
and career aspirations,
providing for their children’s needs
-financially and emotionally-
in equivalent proportions.
Who triumph through every adversity,
with humor and wit
– and, mostly with their wits about them.
Blended Families as
Carol Brady’s
modeled gentle and seamless transitions
from one family system to another.
Where the children were cared for
and knew they were loved.
And those who raise children
as if they were their own
as Alice Baker
to complete the Brady Bunch clan
of yonder years.
Many of us were raised
on these iconic images
of motherhood and mothering.
Raised often with the double-bind
creating such longing
when what we saw on the screen
was in stark contrast to
what we experienced in our homes.
Modern Day shows perhaps offer
more nuance to
what motherhood can look like.
And does.
As well as family structures evolving natures.
Connecting on a broader base
for those who have not experienced
the ideal they would have wished for.
Certainly the ideals put forth
by many a storyteller.
Even so, dreams, for some, come true.
Real Life fairytales can and do exist.
Like JK Rowling
– single mother.
Rags to riches story.
Lives in a castle-like home.
Doing work she loves.
Loved and adored by literally millions
of children around the world.
Magic!
I for one am grateful for her
and for both
real and fictional fairytales.
For they serve to remind us
of the bar we wish to reach.
And these do exist.
And I applaud them.
And they are blessed
and may they continue to bless us
with their stories
that we turn into myths.
May we thank them
for their examples of what can be.
And, may we forgive them
(and us)
when we fall short
of these ideals.
We often place mothers
on pedestals too high
and too rickety
to hold the weight of womanhood,
let alone motherhood.
Our expectations for our mothers
(and for ourselves as mothers)
are often unrealistic.
Real life challenges,
and systems that are in place,
prevent mothers
from being able to approach
what many imagine mothering to be.
We place motherhood
as if it were in a vacuum,
not impacted
nor affected
by anything that preceded it,
nor anything that occurred
when one’s title of Woman
shifted to that of Mother.
Somehow “Mother” is,
in the imaginations of many,
incorruptibly designed
to withstand life’s challenges,
life’s untenable situations,
even life’s unbearable tragedies,
withstand them
with absolute grace and equanimity.
Calmness.
Composure.
And when the illusion collapses,
Mothers who do not live up to
this standard are maligned,
often by other Mothers
struggling to live up to
their own ideals,
and resented for
their shortcomings
by their children
and onlookers.
Disclaimer
Some mothers
(be they biological, step, or adoptive)
are downright cruel.
Some mothers have committed
unspeakable and absolute atrocities
unto their children.
Yes, some family situations are horrific.
While every one of these instances
is tragic, and the ripples of which
effect our communities in many
unseen, unimaginable and intangible ways,
we know this is not the majority mothers.
Or even close to it.
Even in the most typical
of challenging mother/child relationships,
fraught as they are with tension,
and even encumbered as they may be
with betrayals and forms
of hurt and harm
difficult to move beyond.
Most mother/child relationships
are never beyond reconciliation.
It just takes
a willingness
to forgive
and release.
Often that forgiveness of Mothers
- is a forgiveness of them
not living up to
some fictional standard.
Often that release
– is a release of judgement.
Perhaps it is part of the
cellular-deep implications
of what many call patriarchy
that results in this
acute and infectious
desire to assemble expectations
for mothers so intricate and convoluted
that as such
it would take a Goddessherself
to find success in them.
While treating these unrealistic,
fully unachievable, expectations
for an earthbound woman
as if there were
a fail-safe system built-in.
AND THEN
blaming the mother
when she fails to live up to the expectations.
Guilty before proven innocent.
Convicted without allowance
for submission of evidence
in Exhibit of full disclosure.
By in large,
many children have complex relationships
in their adulthood with their mothers,
as a result of circumstances
and parenting skills
that were lacking in the best of times.
As well as outside – and internal –
influences beyond the mother’s control
as the children grew up.
Often resulting in mothers
being emotionally or mentally absent,
and even physically absent
from their children
at vulnerable periods in their lives.
I have observed, that
most mother/adult-child relationships,
where one or both are ostracizing
the other,
or struggling with engaging in
loving communication
and acceptance of each other,
the heartache for both becomes habit.
Each vying for their stake in righteousness
and in being right.
Said another way,
each longing to be understood.
And to be accepted and loved.
The child with their feelings of abandonment
- which are real even if they are imagined.
Abandonment experienced and informed
through their optically-restricted
childhood lens,
never having detailed access to
circumstances, or awareness of
their mother’s inner landscapes,
so as to fully grasp
the entirety of any given situation.
The mother with her desire
for her offspring to understand
she did her best,
even if she didn’t.
The mother often longing for forgiveness
from her children
that she cannot even grant to herself.
Let alone name.
These incompatible feelings
manifest in resentments of the other.
And the symptoms arise in forms of
fights spanning politics and lifestyles.
Flicking known triggers
and picking at old scars.
Sometimes arguments and infighting
can seem to reach the point of no return,
so deep and longstanding
are the wounds.
Sometimes,
it’s complete
obtrusive
silence.
The sound of which can cause hearts
to become brittle
and emaciate the soul.
What can we do?
We can give ourselves permission
to change,
and to set each other free.
As our Thought for Contemplation today advises,
with the words of Mystic David Whyte
where he counsels:
“You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.”
It can be difficult to let go of
long held resentments.
A challenge to forgive someone,
especially if they have not apologized,
or even perhaps not recognize
their role in the painful situation.
It may feel imprudent
to release someone from
subjective accountability
without requirement of
something equal or more in return.
Or seem impossible,
if they have died
- or if they are unreachable.
Body.
Mind.
Or Spirit.
Yet, to do otherwise,
to not set them free,
is to imprison them,
and you along with them.
Which will constrict
every thing else in your life.
“The world was made to be free in.”
Do you want to reside
in a destructively constructed prison?
Or the World to which you belong?
As adults we can consciously
heed the advice of
Poet Cleo Wade when she tells us,
“The time is always now…
The time is always right
to embrace your path
to accept what you had to walk through yesterday
and what you must step away from now
as you move toward
tomorrow.”
We cannot change the past.
What do you want today and tomorrow to be?
If your mother was unavailable
physically
emotionally
even intellectually, philosophically,
If your mother has hurt your feelings,
or unfairly judged you,
or not provided for you
in ways that nourished you
body, mind and spirit
and it is at all possible
for you to find room in your heart to forgive her:
Please forgive her.
If you are a mother who feels
you did not do as great a job
at mothering your children
as you wish you did.
Please forgive yourself.
If your children have judged you harshly,
please forgive them.
If you are a mother raising young children,
be kind to yourself,
be gentle to your children.
Set reasonable expectations of you
and of them.
And,
ask for help
BEFORE you need it.
And mothers of all ages,
and all circumstances,
please take opportunities
to honor your motherhood
in practice and in ritual.
Honor it in ways unique to you.
In ways that most nurture you
and satisfy you.
Mother’s Day brings up so many
varied emotions for women
(and men alike).
Many mourn on Mother’s Day:
Motherless Children;
Children with Mother-Wounds;
Children whose mothers have died;
Mothers whose children have died;
Mothers whose children are incarcerated,
or live far away from them,
or are otherwise estranged;
Women who’ve miscarried
or have infertility issues;
Each
and all
and more
can experience suffering amplified
on this holiday.
Should you have an ache in your heart,
honor it
by seeking to heal it.
And then,
there are also those
who have had wonderful
mother experiences,
who are hesitant
to claim their joy
in the face of
someone else’s suffering.
Please don’t be.
Claim your Joy!
If you have had a wonderful mother
– celebrate her!
And, if you are
that wonderful mother
– allow yourself to be celebrated!!
Some have been blessed
by variations of fairytales
come true in real life:
Happy homes,
with Happy Moms,
where Happy Children are raised,
and go on to raise
w/holy Happy Children of their own.
Cherish that!
And light the way for others.
Know that there is no perfect Mother.
No perfect family.
Know that Motherhood is messy.
From the beginning,
and the beginning of the beginning,
it’s messy!
And continues to be messy.
Motherhood is mundane.
Sometimes down right drudgery.
Motherhood is miraculous.
By whatever means
you come to call yourself Mother.
Being a mother
is participating in
the miracle of human living.
And, here’s the thing.
Mothering is something
that should not be done alone.
Ancient humans celebrated
the sacred feminine in community.
Our feelings of loneliness and suffering
often arise because of the
disconnected lives many are living.
In Biblical times,
the writers provided instruction
for believers to care for widows
and for orphans
and fatherless children.
To see that their needs are met.
That they have clothing,
food,
safe shelter,
and access to the teachings of the scriptures.
The teachings
of that which was believed
to benefit them most.
James 1:27, NIV: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”
Deuteronomy 10:18 (BBE): Judging uprightly in the cause of the widow and of the child who has no father, and giving food and clothing in his mercy to the man from a strange country.
While our definitions
of family
have evolved over time.
Our basic needs
remain the same.
As do our obligations to each other.
Our obligations
to those most vulnerable
in our communities.
And when we each contribute
to helping Mothers and helping children,
helping through the mundane and the messy,
miracles abound
- and the ripples of that, too,
effect our communities in many ways.
Noticeably, with reductions and cessations
in cycles of depression,
poverty, illiteracy,
school drop out rates,
domestic violence and other crimes.
Correspondingly, with increases in
creative expression,
entrepreneurship,
and cultural engagement.
Remarkably, with the enhancement
of the physical communities we live in,
be them urban, suburban or rural:
more parks and community gardens,
playgrounds and preserved lands.
When our mindsets and actions reflect
that we are committed to
taking care of one another,
individuals and communities thrive.
A dear friend shared with me
this week the words of
Anne Lamott,
a writer I turn to
and quote frequently
in my own musings.
A diatribe really,
and one heavily invested
in the transparent demystification
of the flaws and failures of this holiday
- and the stymied preordained pitfalls
of Mothering,
of which our society
in its entirety
is complicit in.
Anne says in part,
“My main gripe with Mother’s Day
is that it feels incomplete
and imprecise.
The main thing that ever helped mothers
was other people
mothering them,
including aunties and brothers;
a chain of mothering
that keeps the whole shebang afloat.”
Mothers.
Mothering.
Being Mothered.
I am an advocate
of celebrating Motherhood
in all its wondrous facets.
The Divine Feminine too,
in which we each,
regardless of our gender,
have access too.
And,
I believe,
need for.
So, at least at present,
I would not call
to abolish Mother’s Day.
Nor Father’s Day for that matter.
Instead,
I would seek to have it serve
as another pause
on our often frenetic
and overly-booked schedules;
a mindful moment
where we are encouraged
to take time for ourselves,
either as mothers,
or as someone
who is in relationship
to mothers,
and feel into
the places that may benefit
from healing,
benefit from tenderness,
benefit from love.
May it be so.
Amen.