Twenty six years ago around this time I had just tucked your brother and sister into bed and was double checking my bag for the hospital. You were over-due and tomorrow I would be induced. I had a tiny twinge in my back as I fell asleep and it was there when I awoke. No pain, just an unfamiliar twinge. Your dad and I went to the hospital as planned and they began to hook me up to the machines, noting I was already in labor.
There were two lovely new nurses, young twenty-somethings. They were excited as this was their first week on the labor and delivery ward. There were other women in labor, we could hear the women’s pain-ridden sounds filtering into our room. After a while, and many times throughout the next few hours when the monitors would signal I was having a “contraction,” the two young nurses would flutter into my room where your dad and I were sitting quietly. The nurses eager to attend to my any need, would gush out their concern: Did I need ice chips? Was I comfortable enough? Did I need more pillows? Blankets? Anything? They were truly lovely. And, they were Really confused by the difference in my “labor” compared to the other Moms on the ward.
They had their supervisor double check the monitor to make sure it was hooked up correctly.
Finally somewhat exasperated they said:
“You’re having a Contraction!!” And they would continue to assert when they noticed the monitor signal such.
“Yes, I know,” I would say, hands on my rounded belly, “I can feel my belly tighten.”
“You can?!” They would ask.
“Yes, would you like to feel?”
They did! And so took turns placing their hands on my belly when a surge would signal. They would feel my belly tighten.
Mouths wide open, they would gasp in delight at the anomaly.
Then their-reality would dawn once more and they would exclaim
“Aren’t you in pain?”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
They would ask me, and, alternately, inquire with my husband,
“Are you Sure she is not in pain?!”
And to their supervisor and the doctor when he came in to check on me:
“How can she not be in pain, she is having a Contraction!”
They in all their years had not witnessed anything like it.
Your dad would just shrug his shoulders and shake his head in as much disbelief I suppose as everyone else.
This was our third time giving birth in the same hospital.
Same doctor, too.
While my first two labors were certainly shorter and easier than many of my friends and family have reported of theirs,
yours Riley,
your birth was not a “labor” at all.
It was magical.
Painfree until the doctor intervened and broke my water because you were not “coming fast enough.” And even then it was only 45 min of what many would call “hard labor.”
Now, of course, I wonder…
Were you so gentle with me as you prepared to enter our world, because some how you knew of the pain and grief that would meet us when you exited our world 22 short years later?
Were The Holy Ones gentle with both of us, because of the same?
Now, here at the eve of the anniversary of your birth,
“Happy Birthday” is hard to say when you are not here anymore.
It’s hard to think about. It’s heavy and it hurts.
I want to be able to celebrate your birthday with you tomorrow. I want to smile and see you smile and laugh and hear your laughter and give you gifts and bake you a cake and watch you play games with your brothers and sister and niece and nephews. I want to plant a garden with you and help you build your construction business you dreamed of. I want…
I want to see your beautiful face and hug you.
I miss you so much.
You are loved and you are missed and you are remembered by a whole world of people who were so blessed to have you in their lives.
I love you, sweet Riley.
To the heavens and back again. I love you.
Love,
~ Mom